I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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