she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
