i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
