my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
