i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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