Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
