Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
of course. lets lasso hookers.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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