I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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