If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
