yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
