Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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