Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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