I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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