I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Randomize
