The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
