Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
