Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
