Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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