I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
