why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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