Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I love having hate sex.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
