remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
