I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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