I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
