but the lizard people decide everything anyway
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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