An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
only if we run a train.
done.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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