I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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