My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
