I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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