I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
