we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
