im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
