Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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