My liver just broke up with me...
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
