drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
