I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Come share oat with me in your robe
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
