I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Randomize
