I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I feel like a drive thru vagina
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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