my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
A bitchslap is in order.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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