My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
