Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
