My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
