My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
