Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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