i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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