If you die in college, do you die in real life?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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