ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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