So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
