woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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