I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
