Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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