Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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