the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
