I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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