last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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