i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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