You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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