Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
So many bounce houses so little time
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
