Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
