I cockslap morals
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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